Once, on my way to a dream, I got lost and found a better one.

Motherhood has surprised me.

I write, often, about striving for authenticity, about being real, being present.  Funnily enough, I've spent my life seeking myself only to find it in another.

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I woke up this morning, 18 minutes before my alarm, to Liam talking to himself over the monitor.  Not crying- just talking.  His teeth have been moving around in his tiny little mouth, and it makes me feel helpless- there is so little I can do to ease his discomfort.  So we walk.  We bounce him in front of windows, we turn on the music, we sit on the porch.  These are the things he has shown a definite preference for.

And isn't that funny?  That such a young child, a baby, can already be so stubborn and so certain of what he likes and what he wants? 

I read a professional article, the other day, about early childhood educators and their ability to "grow brains".  It is so true.  I'm learning this every day.  Watching Liam grow, being a part of his world, is incredibly interesting to me.  It stimulates my curiosity.  What does he think of this?  What is going on in his little head?  These are questions I will never have answers to, but I question anyway. 

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Jim and I are the lucky ones who seem to have it all.  I know this.  We have a good marriage and a stunning baby boy.  We both have good jobs and a wonderful mother who takes care of Liam while we work.  We have friends who come around even though I'm sure the territory has changed with our little guy.  We have enough people that love him and want him that we still get nights to ourselves sometimes.  We have a family, but we haven't lost ourselves or each other.  And that is a huge reason to be thankful.

I wonder sometimes, where does this luck come from?  I know some of this was choice- I can follow the paths backwards through the years, seeing every choice made or opportunity passed up, each step that has led us here.  Even the blind leaps of faith that we've taken, certain that there was something better on the horizon.  But behind each and every choice we made, there was luck.  Sometimes people make choices and the grass isn't greener.  Sometimes there's regret, and disappointment.  How did we avoid this?  Where does this luck come from?

Once again, these are questions I'll never have answers to.  But I question anyway.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

-- by Margery Williams, from The Velveteen Rabbit --

I'm finally going to learn to play the piano.

I've always been into music.  Over my lifetime, I've played several instruments- flute, soprano sax, tuba, accordion, bass guitar.  But when I was young, I fell in love with the piano.  I was told my hands were too small to play. 

Well, I don't buy that anymore.

Dadra is loaning me her keyboard for a while.

I want to learn to play:
Vienna Teng- gravity
Jimmy Eat World- the world you love
Rufus Wainwright- Hallelujah
A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover

Things are good.

I had a very relaxing weekend.  Friends came by and we watched movies all day.  Jim and I thought about going out and getting some shopping done, but little guy is teething (I think) and we didn't want to take him out.  He's been a little crank, the poor kid.  You can see a tooth right under the gum but you can't feel it yet. 

He's pretty adorable- he's taken to chewing on his bib for fun and comfort.  He's never really liked the pacifier. 

He's learning how to roll over with clothes on now. 

He's growing up so fast!

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. ~Henry Rollins

I held on to you for so long.  For years.  You were my best friend, my person, a large part of my meaning and my belonging. 

The first few years, through the silence, it was still you.

But now I realize that you don't know me any longer.  I've become unrecognizable.  And I don't know you.  You are a blur, fond memory and attachment.  I love you, I am proud of you, and I still wish for you.

But now you are someone I knew.

And all I can do now is wish it was different. 

Liam just rolled over!  Four times!  And I caught it on video!

He's so great.

We're had a great time lately, I've been too busy to write.  But soon.

This is one of those moments.  You know, the ones where, for a brief moment, life has paused and you are happy.

I find pleasure in such simple things.  Painting my windowsills.  The boy, smiling.  A good song or a good lyric.  A sunny day.  Leaving work at 4, on time, with a day of productive work behind me.  Walking into the daycare and being piled on by hugging four year olds.  Time to sit and read.  A hot bath.

What makes you happy?  Where do you find your stillness?

There are so many things to worry about in the world.  But it is the joy, the hope, that keeps us going.

Just wrote Brice a letter, a reply to something he sent me a few days ago.  I miss him, more than anything at the moment.  So I'll share some of his music, so you all can be thinking of him too right now.