life and everything like it
Motherhood has surprised me.
I write, often, about striving for authenticity, about being real, being present. Funnily enough, I've spent my life seeking myself only to find it in another.
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I woke up this morning, 18 minutes before my alarm, to Liam talking to himself over the monitor. Not crying- just talking. His teeth have been moving around in his tiny little mouth, and it makes me feel helpless- there is so little I can do to ease his discomfort. So we walk. We bounce him in front of windows, we turn on the music, we sit on the porch. These are the things he has shown a definite preference for.
And isn't that funny? That such a young child, a baby, can already be so stubborn and so certain of what he likes and what he wants?
I read a professional article, the other day, about early childhood educators and their ability to "grow brains". It is so true. I'm learning this every day. Watching Liam grow, being a part of his world, is incredibly interesting to me. It stimulates my curiosity. What does he think of this? What is going on in his little head? These are questions I will never have answers to, but I question anyway.
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Jim and I are the lucky ones who seem to have it all. I know this. We have a good marriage and a stunning baby boy. We both have good jobs and a wonderful mother who takes care of Liam while we work. We have friends who come around even though I'm sure the territory has changed with our little guy. We have enough people that love him and want him that we still get nights to ourselves sometimes. We have a family, but we haven't lost ourselves or each other. And that is a huge reason to be thankful.
I wonder sometimes, where does this luck come from? I know some of this was choice- I can follow the paths backwards through the years, seeing every choice made or opportunity passed up, each step that has led us here. Even the blind leaps of faith that we've taken, certain that there was something better on the horizon. But behind each and every choice we made, there was luck. Sometimes people make choices and the grass isn't greener. Sometimes there's regret, and disappointment. How did we avoid this? Where does this luck come from?
Once again, these are questions I'll never have answers to. But I question anyway.
